


A Much Better Ending For Game Of Thrones

by fatcuck



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 11:30:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20063314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatcuck/pseuds/fatcuck
Summary: It's better





	A Much Better Ending For Game Of Thrones

Daenerys hears the bell of surrender. Victory is hers. Time to march up to Cersei and peacefully claim her rightful place on the iron throne, right?

WRONG.

She goes absolutely apeshit and starts burning the whole city with her pet dragon. Everybody is dying. Jon Snow and Tyrion look at each other like, dude, what have we done? We helped her free all those slaves for THIS? Let that be a lesson, the two sad men mumble under their breath. Liberating 3rd world slaves and helping ambitious women rise to power is for absolute suckers.

They both stand there like complete stooges as the Unsullied, a.k.a. their ""allies"", repeatedly dunk on the surrendered forces. Whoops, they say to themselves over and over, as they realize the magnitude of their folly. Jon believed that if they just put aside all their differences, formed a few brief alliances of convenience to defeat the ice zombies (which they did, and now none of that stuff matters anymore forever, thankfully), that all would be well, and this nice attractive woman would be a wise queen as well as his beautiful and loving wife. Oh how wrong he was. He starts crying, while Tyrion scurries about the mayhem, desperately looking for a barrel to hide in out of shame.

The dragon just keeps burning everything. It's a bit like 9/11, but in a fantasy setting instead. Daenerys seems stoked by her vengeful outburst. Nobody will ever question her authority now that everyone knows she is murderous and evil. Exactly as she planned all along!

Cersei looks out the window and is enraged. This isn't how this was supposed to go at all. All of her guile and cunning to secure her place on the throne, for this? It's completely pathetic actually. What Daenerys is doing is total amateur hour, and this more than anything is what sets Cersei off. 

The dragon makes a sharp turn, and heads for Cersei's tower. Cersei just becomes more determined looking, and says bring it on bitch. The dragon gets closer and closer, opening its huge mouth preparing for another devastating burst of flame, when Cersei surprises everyone in the kingdom by leaping out of the window while screaming like a maniac. She lands on the dragon's back, and gets into a ferocious tussle with a stunned Daenerys. 

Cersei slaps and chokes Daenerys, and pulls at her stupid golden braids. She's had it up to here with this spoiled princess and her ridiculous dragons. The fracas plays out in classic Hollywood catfight fashion, and Jon Snow stands below looking totally stupefied at the spectacle, and though he wouldn't admit it, a little bit turned on as well.

Meanwhile the dragon has become very confused and agitated, and starts doing barrel rolls while making disgruntled dinosaur noises. Both of the women fall off its back, and crash through the roof of the palace tower, and luckily land in a bed. They continue their heated tussle. 

Jaime notices his beloved sister fall from the sky, and runs to her rescue. He does a bunch of acrobatic flips and parkour stunts around the vengeful unsullied to evade their attacks, and makes haste toward Cersei. I'm coming, dear sister! I love you in both a romantic and sexual way, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

Meanwhile the Hound has caught up with his hulking Frankensteined brother, Gregor, and has begun throwing down. We've been waiting a long time for this, and now it's paying off in a BIG WAY, because they're doing a lot of sick wrestling moves on each other. Gregor bodyslams the Hound through a brick wall just before we cut away, but don't worry, we'll get back to this.

Jaime continues toward the palace, and does another parkour move to hop over a barrel. But the barrel suddenly moves, causing Jaime to trip. He hears a loud OW from the barrel. An ashamed Tyrion spills out, and rubs the bump on his head. Brother! Jaime shouts. What were you doing in that barrel?? Tyrion immediately looks depressed, and Jaime can tell he's in for an absolute EARFUL of self-loathing soliloquy about some stupid shit he probably doesn't care about. Jaime just says never mind, we have to go help our sister! She's in trouble!

Tyrion is reminded of his hateful sister, and how much she loathes him and wants him dead. But can he really blame her at this point? Considering how much he's fucked everything up, by investing his faith in Daenerys. He would probably want him dead too. In fact, maybe he does already. He concludes that Cersei was probably right, and he owes her a groveling apology. He will swear allegiance to her again, and promises never to... Brother! Shut up! Jaime interrupts him and says they must hurry. Tyrion says right of course, and begins scrambling toward the palace. Jaime just shakes his head, knowing that Tyrion's short legs will be too slow. He picks Tyrion up and for a brief moment they smile at each other in a tender brotherly gesture. Then Jaime gives Tyrion a piggyback ride up to the top of the palace, continuing his parkour along the way. 

Cut over to Jon Snow again, who continues his hapless staggering through the carnage of the Unsullied rebellion. He looks depressed, barely even noticing the bloodshed now, wondering where all his plans went wrong. He looks up, and sees that the dragon has gotten bored of burning the city, and is swooping in through the roof of the palace to return to its master. That fucking dragon, he thinks. He thought it was so cool to have lethal dragons on his side, and now look at this mess. But then something catches his eye to the side.

Just over there, he sees Bran. Bran is looking up at the dragon too, and has gotten a bit worked up over all this action. He's standing up, out of his wheelchair, and dancing triumphantly while pumping his fist. He loves all this for some reason, which confuses Jon. What confuses him even more is his lack of paralysis. Bran notices Jon is watching, looks embarrassed, then his legs wobble and he collapses. He does his best to make sure his stupid uncle Jon doesn't catch wise to the fact that Bran has been faking his disability for years to secure the ruse at the heart of his long con. He insists that the adrenaline of the moment made his legs work briefly, but the moment has passed. 

Jon thinks that's weird, but continues shuffling on in depression. Bran says, what the fuck are you doing? You are the rightful KING, uncle Jon. You need to get up to the top of the palace, PRONTO. And most importantly, you need to bring ME, so I can use my psychic powers to help you resolve this mess and take your place on the throne. Oh... oh yeah, Jon says. He guesses that makes sense, sort of. With a grunt, he lifts Bran up and gives him a piggyback ride to the palace. He attempts a bit of parkour, but immediately trips and falls into a pile of garbage, much to Bran's vocal displeasure. He picks him up again and continues more slowly. He doesn't think he'll attempt any Parkour, and Bran is actually a lot heavier than the young lad used to be.

Meanwhile back in the palace, the fight between Cersei and Daenerys has brought them out of the bedroom, kicking and screaming into the throne room, which now has a gaping hole in the roof caused by the dragon. The dragon is now there, watching them. It considers intervening with fire, but the two women are too closely interlocked in combat, which would incinerate them both, so it remains at bay growling ominously. The two combatants are heard shouting things like, THAT THRONE IS MINE! and YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING, YOU CRAZY BITCH!

Jaime then bursts into the throne room with Tyrion on his back. Both women stop and glare. Jaime has a big warm smile at the sight of his sister, who returns an icy gaze. She sees Tyrion, and scowls. Tyrion hides behind his brother's back, fearful of her. Jon Snow is still running up the long staircase with Bran on his back. He has to stop for a moment, gasping for breath. Bran doesn't like this. He kicks Jon's sides, as if riding a horse, and Jon continues.

Meanwhile Sansa, who has been doing fuckall up to this point, realizes she needs to get into the action. She stands there cracking her knuckles, looking around the ruined city for the person who is most suitable for receiving a beatdown from her specifically. The pickin's are slim, she must admit. What's even left to do with her arc, she wonders? Who is she supposed to confront, and what issues does she have left to resolve? She feels a pang of melancholy at this thought. A bit of existential uncertainty. She thinks... maybe she should just go? But then when she turns around to leave, her questions are answered, in the worst possible way.

Standing there is her abusive ex-husband, Ramsay. But this isn't quite Ramsay. He looks different, and utterly horrifying. He cackles, thought you'd be done with me so easily, Sansa? Behold, my final form!

He has the same exact complexion and icy blue eyes as the slain Night King. But... that's impossible! She says. The Night King is dead. AND SO ARE YOU! He chuckles. Don't be so foolish. True evil does not die so easily. After Sansa killed Ramsay by setting his own dogs on him, later that night, his corpse was visited by the Children of the Forest. They knew the first Night King might be killed in the coming war, so they made a backup plan. They plunged dragonglass into his chest, and a new Night King was born. He has been biding his time until now... to reclaim his bride!

Noooo! Sansa shrieks. Ramsay just looks smug, and raises his arms. The now thousands of people slain by Daenerys's army suddenly become Rasmay's army of ice zombies. He laughs uproariously. The zombies begin slaughtering the Unsullied, creating even more. Soon the entire invading army is replaced by zombies under Ramsay's command. Sansa's fear turns into rage. There is only one thing left to do: fight! She lunges at Ramsay, and they begin wrestling while his maniacal laughter continues.

Finally Jon bursts through the throne room door with Bran on his back, and collapses. He's wheezing, while Bran rolls over and sits up with an annoyed expression (he continues to act paralyzed). Cersei, Daenerys, Jaime, and Tyrion all freeze, to look at them dumbfoundedly. Weapons are drawn, and most of them are pointed at Daenerys, while the dragon remains warily guarding its queen. Jon looks at the dragon, who returns the glance, and it just looks kind of exhausted by all this bullshit by now. Jon wonders, did... did that dragon just roll its eyes at me? What is this dragon's fucking PROBLEM? 

DAENERYS! Jon shouts. She looks at him impatiently, like, what?? But Jon doesn't know. He's not even sure what he came up here to say actually. Bran looks pissed, and slaps uncle Jon on the head. Oh! Oh yeah. He says that HE is the true king, and he should have said so a long time ago, and she sucks as a queen, and he would be WAY better, but also, uh, he guesses he still loves her?? It sucks all the air out of the room. Everybody there, all the Lannisters, Daenerys, and the dragon just look kind of sad at this pitiful display. Bran is pissed. He decides enough's enough. He springs to his feet and walks toward them confidently, and says, my stupid uncle Jon is absolutely right. It's time to bend the fucking knee, Goldilocks. Everyone gasps. But the three Lannisters seem to be in agreement with his remark. 

Cersei, Jaime and Tyrion all surround Daenerys with weapons drawn, as the dragon growls. Daenerys looks desperate, and it seems the jig is up. She considers making a getaway on her dragon, when suddenly everyone is distracted by a thumping noise coming from the bathroom door nearby. People watch the door closely, their curiosity piqued. Then someone busts out of the bathroom. They're all tied up and gagged. They hop out, and to everyone's surprise, it's...

CERSEI?????

The bound and gagged Cersei looks accusingly at the other Cersei, who now looks guilty. Everyone is looking at her. Finally with a flourish, she pulls off her mask to reveal that Arya was posing as Cersei all along! She was in the middle of a covert infiltration campaign to replace Cersei as the queen using political guile and trickery rather than violence, when this IDIOT Daenerys flew in on her dragon and ruined everything. Daenerys is completely stunned and has no idea what to say. Finally Arya appears to lose patience with the ruse, pulls out her dragonglass dagger, and stabs Daenerys in the gut. Jon wails, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And starts crying again. 

Jaime is cutting the real Cersei loose. She's furious. She grabs a sword and runs toward Arya. A hapless Tyrion is standing in the way, and Cersei punts him across the room like a football, toward Bran. Bran adroitly dodges, and Tyrion collides with the sobbing Jon, and they both go rolling cross the floor. A vengeful Cersei approaches Arya who wields her bloody dagger in defense, and they nearly clash. When from behind, an enraged and wounded Daenerys leaps up and puts a chokehold on Arya, holding a knife to her throat. SHE'S MINE, she hisses. Bran interrupts by slowly clapping. He laughs a little to himself. Well done, well DONE! Clearly he is about to give some sort of smug oration.

Meanwhile the Hound and Gregor keep smacking each other down, but now amidst swarms of nasty zombies. The zombies all try to go at them, but these two dudes are way too hardened to be bothered by any of that. They just swat away the zombies and smash them to bits as collateral damage to their insane wrestling moves.

Nearby inside a building, Night Ramsay and Sansa continue their struggle, but Ramsay is mostly toying with her. He is laughing and being terrible, reminding her of the past abuse she suffered. She needs help! But all her friends are a long way off. She has haunting visions of Little Finger too, laughing at her. I told you it was a mistake to leave me, Sansa! You will always just be a helpless little girl! His spinning, laughing head serves as a transition back to the throne room.

Bran has been revealing many of his clever plans. People are really confused he's not paralyzed, but generally don't really know what he's talking about anyway, because nobody actually knows much about anything regardless. It turns out he's mostly just killing time with a pompous monologue until something he's foreseen happens. Daenerys tells him to shut the fuck up, and holds the knife closer to Arya. When suddenly...

BRIENNE BUSTS INTO THE THRONE ROOM, CHARGING AND YELLING WITH HER SWORD HELD HIGH!

She's headed straight at Daenerys, who panics and backs up closer to the ledge, where there is a steep dropoff to the kingdom far below. The dragon seems caught off guard by this, and hesitates. In desperation, Daenerys tries to shout the magic word to make her dragon breathe fire. DRACAR--

Suddenly her voice is muffled. Bran's magic crow has flown directly into her mouth, muzzling her. He is controlling it psychically, with his hands to his head. She looks stunned, and Arya is able to duck and roll away from her grasp at the last second. Brienne swoops in and lops off Daenerys's head in one swift motion. The head bounces a few times and lands directly on the throne, for a bit of final irony, with black feathers and feet poking ghoulishly out of her mouth. Her limp body falls down to the kingdom below. 

The dragon absolutely flips out, but for now Brienne and Jaime don't care. They meet each others eyes, and run toward each other for a passionate kiss. Cersei watches this, and her face twists with bitterness and jealousy. At this moment, she knows she's lost her brother to Brienne for good. Jaime professes his love. I SEE NOW THAT I WAS WRONG TO LEAVE YOU BRIENNE! I LOVE YOU! YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, INCEST IS WRONG!!!

Cersei slams her sword down on the palace floor in frustration. 

Meanwhile the dragon is going ham. It's huffing and puffing, clearly about to blow its stack. It eyes Jaime and Brienne hungrily. From afar, Tyrion seems to infer exactly what it's thinking. He anticipates what is about to happen next, and realizes it's HIS time to shine!

The dragon lunges toward them, while Tyrion scurries to intercept. With surprising dexterity, Tyrion grabs Jaime's fake metal hand, and yanks it off. With a bit of parkour of his own, he runs up atop his brother's shoulders, and LEAPS. He places the metal arm deep in the mouth of the dragon, between two of its teeth, wedging the mouth open. The dragon cannot take a full bite. Bran nods sagely at this. It's exactly as he foresaw.

The dragon reels back, humiliated, mouth wide open. It can't shake the arm free. Suddenly, it's just plain tired of all this bullshit. It really doesn't need this. Both of its masters turned out to be total disgraces. It gives one more contemptible look at Jon, and flies away forever. 

A brief calm is restored, but there is still the matter of rulership to settle. Cersei is still livid from Arya's impersonation. Arya stands wielding her dagger. Brienne is now bowing to Arya, her sworn duty to protect her fulfilled. With Brienne loyal to Arya, and Jaime loyal to Brienne, his loyalty to Cersei is tested. He doesn't know what to do. Tyrion, recalling his pledge to Jaime, bows before Cersei. She forgives him, accepts his loyalty. His first test is to give an impassioned speech as to why she should still be the queen, and convince his stupid brother to fall in line. YES MY QUEEN, he says. 

He takes a deep breath, about to deliver one HELL of a speech. Suddenly, an arrow flies through his heart. Tyrion instantly collapses. Oh for FUCKS sake, Cersei says. 

They see who the culprit was. Strolling across the room is Bronn, the mercenary who Cersei hired a long time ago to kill Tyrion. Everybody looks confused. Except Bran, who saw this coming of course. He has that same infuriating "called it" look on his face. Cersei looks at Bronn, holding the very crossbow which Tyrion used to kill their beloved father, now used to slay him. The irony would be delicious to her, except for the fact that she just recruited him as her top political ally. She's furious, and seethes at Bronn's untimely assassination.

Bronn says nonchalantly, I believe I was promised a kingdom to rule for this? Cersei is incredulous. The audacity. She's about to fuck him up, when Tyrion, with his dying breath, says... give it to him. Honor the deal you made. Everyone's confused. He continues, struggling... for you see... the Lannisters... always repay... THEIR DEBTS. He finally dies. Jaime shouts noooooooo.

Cersei says fine, and pulls the deed to a kingdom out of her bodice, which she has ready to go for some reason. Bronn bows gratefully. Bran glances at Jon knowingly, as if to remind him why they came up here.

Jon takes one last sad look at Daenerys's head with the crow stuffed in her mouth, resting on the throne, and gets upset again, and finally furious. Enough of this bullshit! The throne is mine! It's always been mine, I was just too much of a pussy to tell everybody that! So I'm the king, and THAT'S THAT!

He gets up and runs to the throne, as if the mere act of knocking the head off and sitting down will make it official and no one can argue with that. Cersei intercepts and tackles him and begins slapping him silly. Arya considers intervening, but Bran simply shakes his head at her, implying they should all let this play out. Then he makes a lewd remark toward Jaime, suggesting when all is said and done, perhaps they could share the throne as lovers! Jaime loses his shit over this, and tries to tackle Bran. But Bran sidesteps easily with his future vision skills. Brienne has absolutely no idea what to do at the moment. Ayra nods at her knight, now agreeing with Bran, that it is deeply important to the kingdom to let all this foolishness play out.

Jon and Cersei get into an absurd wrestling match over the throne, as if they're playing musical chairs with only one chair left. Daenery's head still sits there. Jaime keeps taking swings at Bran, but suddenly he's like a ninja. How can this paralyzed kid move so fast? His future vision makes him untouchable. Bran gets backed against the ledge, but looks quite confident. Jaime grabs him by the collar, then Bran "slips" and falls. Jaime is holding Bran over the ledge, a callback to the first moment when Jaime pushed Bran out the window as a child. Jaime feels flashbacks to when he was a worse man than he is now, and begins crying. But Bran is smug as ever, completely unphased. 

He says, Arya! The knife! She throws him the dragonglass knife, he catches it and holds it to Jaime's throat. Jaime, stunned, says but if I die, then you fall! Bran says, oh don't worry uncle Jaime. This knife was never for you. It's for my OTHER sister. Without looking, he throws it behind his back a great distance. It falls far below.

Cut back to Sansa, who is engaged in epic struggle with Night Ramsay. She is losing badly. He is just about to kill her, and make her his Night Bride as Night Sansa, when something incredible happens. The Hound piledrives Gregor through the roof of the building, and crashes into the floor just next to them. Gregor's skull is completely crushed, as he once did to that other guy. The Hound gets up and says, see you in hell, you ugly bastard, and spits on the corpse. Night Ramsay is astounded by this, completely distracted. But Sansa isn't.

She looks up through the hole in the roof, and notices a tiny object falling down. It lands perfectly in her hand, exactly where Bran intended. She stabs Night Ramsay in the face, and he explodes. All the ice zombies drop dead, yet again. 

Sansa is hurt and can't move, but she NEEDS to get to the palace, FAST. The Hound simply says yes M'lady, picks her up, and gives her a piggyback up to the throne room. He runs swiftly, but does not attempt any parkour moves.

Knowing the deed is done, Bran smiles, and with a cool ninja move, flips up over Jaime and exchanges places with him. Now he is the one holding Jaime over the ledge, dangling for his life. He is holding him by the arm. Jaime pleads with Bran... don't... don't do this! Bran suddenly looks very concerned. You'll be ok uncle Jaime! Just give me your other hand! He holds up his other arm which is now just a stump, and looks sad. Oh, I'm sorry uncle, it looks like your luck has finally run out. He lets Jaime go, who all the way down shouts, I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING UUUUUUNNNCLLLLE!

Just below, that guy who commands the iron fleet now, who shot the dragon with the crossbow that one time. He finally shows up, wondering what the fuck is going on. Jaime lands directly on him, killing them both.

Both Brienne and Cersei scream after seeing Bran chuck Jaime over the ledge. They run at him to seek revenge. But Bran is still too fast and clever. He turns and swiftly knocks their heads together like a couple of coconuts and they pass out.

Meanwhile, Jon Snow has seized the opportunity to kick Daenerys's head off the throne and claim it for himself. He sits down and triumphantly exclaims, YES! I AM THE KING! EVERYBODY BEND THE KNEE, BITCHES!

By now the Hound has entered with Sansa on his back. He puts her down. Arya is pleased to see he has survived his duel, and they embrace. It's a nice moment, because at one point he was sort of a father figure. Their arcs are both now officially successful.

Sansa is confused. Jon, you're king now? She wonders. Bran continues with his smug douche-baggery, tsk-tsking both Jon and Sansa for their naivete. Actually, no, he's not. This was all part of the long ruse. Jon becomes indignant, and wonders if not him, then who? BRAN? That would be so fucking stupid. Bran says, no he won't be king either. Actually, no one will. 

By now Brienne and Cersei are waking up and groggy, so they can overhear his speech. He walks over to the throne, and shoos Jon out of his seat. Jon complies, as if he doesn't have the slightest authority over what's happening now. Which of course he doesn't, because he's not king, because he sucks.

Bran proceeds to begin dismantling the throne with his bare hands, and everyone is shocked. Cersei is furious. MY THRONE! No Cersei, it's not yours. It isn't anyone's throne. You see? It's just a bunch of shitty swords. I realized in my vision that this throne is actually the embodiment of all power and authority, which is the root of all problems. People lusting for power, for THIS THRONE, that is the only true evil in the world. Genius, no? To destroy the very symbol of power that all of this bloodshed has been revolving around. It is almost TOO perfect to destroy it. Powerful, cathartic really. I noticed the dragon looking at the throne, contemplating its destruction too. The dragon clearly had the same ideas as me. Very wise creatures, those dragons.

People are now nodding along with him quite agreeably. This all makes so much SENSE. Even Jon. Who is he to argue with the great and wise Bran? Bran pauses, and says there's one more thing. Someone needs to pay for all these crimes. This mayhem and bloodshed. The kingdom is destroyed, millions are dead. Daenerys is most responsible, but she's dead too. So WHO was it, who blindly trusted her and empowered her the most, resulting in all this death? He looks at Jon, who knows the answer. He is guilty. 

Bran walks over, and appears if he is about to console Jon for his guilty feelings. But then he runs one of the shitty swords through Jon's chest. Sorry uncle Jon. But someone has to pay. And WE, the surviving witnesses of this debacle must all have a hand in it! He looks around the room and they all seem to solemnly agree.

Then there's a scene paralleling the moment when all the members of the Night's Watch took turns stabbing him as punishment for whatever illegal thing he was doing at the time. It's great poetic justice, and a very compelling callback, cementing the finale's status as an instant cinematic classic. The Hound, Cersei, Brienne, Bronn, and even his sisters, Ayra and Sansa, reluctantly agree this is for the best, and stab him with swords until every single sword from the throne is stained with his blood. Jon finally dies.

So now what, everyone wonders? Who runs the kingdom if there's no king? Glad you asked, Bran says. He's been thinking about it a while. Had a few psychic conversations with Hodor on this topic a while back. He's come to the decision that the world should be run by some sort of widely distributed parliamentary system, or something like that. All of these swords, former parts of the iron throne and stained in the blood of the final legitimate king, shall signify a single vote in the system. Whoever owns a sword gets a vote.

Everybody thinks that sounds kinda cool, and is better than nothing. Also it's not like there's anyone else around with much authority to stop them from doing this, because most important people are dead now. Bran gives a huge load of bloody swords to Sansa, another to Arya, and another to himself. He says let's go scatter these around the world. Sansa you go north, maybe be queen there if she wants, that sounds fine. Ayra you go... oh I dunno, West Westeros? She doesn't know where that is. Well, it's west of Westeros, you fuckin idiot. They bicker like siblings for a bit, and everyone laughs. Also, everyone in this room can have a sword. Cersei shrugs. It's not ideal, but she'll take what she can get at this point.

They all disperse, and that's it. Nothing else important ever really happens, but at least there are no kings anymore.

We end with a series of character faces transparently superimposed over the final shot, each winking in succession. It's everyone who ever died, in the order they died. Jon Snow's wink is the last, and his wink is so powerful, it causes an explosion, and finally the credits begin to roll.


End file.
